?

I do not like myself.
I just feel like I am ripping apart at the seams. I can never do anything right anymore, so why do I even try? I almost just don't care about anything at this point. I feel like I have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no one to ask for help. I am so disgusted with what I have become. It is harder to be real with one person sometimes than it is to be fake with everybody all the time.
I am so lonely.
I am so tired.
I am so done.
I am so tired of feeling stifled. I hate that I cannot be real with people anymore. Why is it all so complicated now that I have gotten older? I have things I do not want and want things I cannot have. Why do I feel so guilty, when all I am asking for is happiness? Do I not deserve it? I know that I do, but still I feel as if I do not. I thought that being real would mean freedom, but sometimes I fear the few people who actually know me. It has gotten to the point where I cannot even bring myself to like myself. I feel like nobody knows who I am anymore. People are always assuming. Always judging. I can leave the house feeling actually content with myself, and come home worthless again. Why do I seem to only like boys that I cannot have? Going through each day is as if I am being tortured. But only when I am with people. At home I can be happy, I can love, I can actually smile, and not the Barbie smile I am used to. But when I am with people, I am stifled, put in the box of other's comfort. If I were to change, I think that the people around me would not accept me.
I think that is my main problem. I crave love. I look at my friends in relationships, and I can only barely be happy for them. Mostly I just feel sad. Rejected. Jealous. Not envious, jealous. I need acceptance, yet I feel that if I were to show who I really am, I would lose the meager amount that I have.

I am cursed.

Summer

 The pause.

Waiting.

Waiting to see if anyone

is watching.

Their eyes are on you.

This is the time,

now or never.

You slowly back up,

your bare feet are burning

on the hot pavement.

But its worth it,

because just as it gets too hot,

so hot you think you can’t stand it,

you crouch.

You make eye contact with

the challenger, making it known,

what you are about to do.

Then you run.

One.

Two.

Three.

That’s all it should take.

Then you’re there.
The leap.
The feeling of
nothing above you, and
nothing below you.
Then the fall.
The blue rushing up to meet you.
As you take one last
desperate, gasping breath,
the cold envelops your feet.
Sucked down, the only thing
you can do is claw your way
to the surface. Nothing is important
anymore.
An animal, burning inside of your lungs,
thirsting, begging, screaming for
air.
And suddenly, an entire lifetime later,
one hand breaks free.
Then another.
As your head finally crests, your eyes
snap open. You gasp for air
feeding the insatiable hunger in your chest.
The cheers of your friends remind you
of something so insignificant only moments before.
You smile wildly, and lazily do
a small victory lap for the
on-lookers, but all you really want to do
is assess the damage.
As you backstroke languidly to the edge,
you realize just how far the reaches
of your impact to the cold wet
actually went.
You try to look as strong possible as you
push yourself out of the water,
but its hard.
Yet as he steps over to help you,
your smile widens more.
The distinct taste of the salt of your face
mixed with chlorine seeps between your lips,
Your hair is plastered to your face, and
You’ve never been happier.


Is it okay to post my own thoughts? I like writing poetry. I know its rubbish. #nohate.

TAAC

Listening

She lived in
A world
Filled with the
Most horrible
Things.
She was so
Sweet.
She deserved
So much
Better.
Yet,
Her only
Escape
Was music.
If she could
Only drown out
The world for
An hour, everything
Would be okay.
The monsters were
Held at bay.
For as long as
The sweet one
Stayed out
Of that world,
She could live
In her mind.
In her world
No one
Yelled
Or cried
Pleaded and
Skulked.
She knew no
Such thing as
Painful
As hunger. As
Sorrowful
As loneliness.
When the
Sweet notes
Filled her head,
They also
Filled her heart.
She could bear
To live just to
Hear simple
Melodies.
The foolish girl
Thought she was
Safe.
Alas, her fate
Was not to live,
As her self-created
Mute button
Was discovered
By the jealous one.
The one that
Needed to be
Heard.
The jealous one
Screamed an yelled.
Waved her arms about.
Pretended agony.
But to no avail.
And the jealous one
Ran to the
Cabinet.
Took out
Scissors.
And with one
Clean
Motion.
The sweet music
That belonged to
The sweet one
Was soured.
And so
The poor
Girl
Lives.
But what is
Life
When you are
Halfway
Between worlds?
Forever a
Ghost. A
Wraith.
Hearing the
Sweetness,
But never again,
Living,
Breathing,
Being
As you once
Were.



So I kind of wrote this because my mom gets mad at me if I keep both earbuds in, because I can't hear her. But isn't that the point? This girl, the sweet one, is not me; the jealous one is not my mother. This is just how I feel sometimes. Enjoy this picture of a cat.

TAAC out.

Derping Fail

Well I feel horrible about dropping my blog for months! I guess I just forgot. I'm such a derping fail. I'm sorry! Oh well. One cannot really change the past. I'm finally back home in sunny and wonderful California. How have you been? How is your mother? Has that rash cleared up yet? If you answered that, then I feel bad for you. Just kidding! I'd be honored if you talked to your computer screen because of me. ;* The only friends I've seen since I've been back have been people from church. So mostly little kids, old people, my mom's friends and of course; J-bug. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my church family, but I desperately miss my girlfriends and guyfriends. Bleah. Y U NO TEXT ME Y'ALL?!? Nah. I have the faithful few, and then there's the folks who I love, but would never text or really contact outside of liking the occasional Facebook post and face-to-face chatting. But I was quite surprised at how if a person is away for ten weeks, then many people will completely forget said person. It's hurtful in a way. I know that I personally would have sent a "how-ya-doin?" text every so often! I wish I didn't sound so "Whiny little sixteen year old who will totally be forever alone" but SERIOUSLY?!?! I literally had FOUR phone conversations with one of my best friends. I mean, I know I'm not like the center of the universe, but I thought we were closer than that.... Meh. But I seriously pissed her off. I did something horrible because I'm stupid and I was bored and probably high off of paint fumes, and I know that I would have been WAY more upset than she seemed to have been. But that was over halfway through my time overseas. But the first weekend I come back, four of my five best friends are out of town! Steff and I text all the time and rarely see each other, so it's not like I cannot live without her, but Ben and Bailey were camping, Cassy had a family emergency. (I love you girl!) and Angelica was at camp. Thanks guys. Feeling the Aloha. -_- *HUGE SIGH* I finally was able to plan a sleepover with one of my very close friends, (one of the only ones who actually TALKED to me on a regular basis!) and of COURSE her ridiculously overbearing mother made her cancel last minute! So I spent my weekend eating deep fried food, playing with puppies and watching the Olympics. Anyone see my future hubby, Phelpsie, win gold? And of course my secret lover: Ryan Lochte. Was it just me, or are the Olympians EXTRA yummy this year?! Take a look at that hunky diver from the UK. Tom? Tommie? And way to go Gaby! She's my role model. Hmm, even though I'm still mostly on Hawaii time, I'm starting to get sleepy, so I'll let you go for now. I promise to write MUCH MUCH more in the future!

xoxoxo and some Aloha too!
TAAC OUT!

P.S. Enjoy these lovely photographs I took in the Aloha State! C:

Wish You Were Here

Soo, I'm here in Hawaii!
My little cousins are so flipping adorable, its not even funny! Actually it IS funny, because they say the CUTEST things EVER!!

The only things that I would change are the media available, or live closer to town. My aunt and uncle do not have wi-fi, so I cannot be on my phone 24/7 like at home. Which honestly, wouldn't be a bad thing if I wasn't so addicted to music. I usually just use Pandora, because my phone is new, and I have no music on it whatsoever, and I am too broke to get some. The radio stations on the Big Island definitely leave something to be desired... But the computer has problems with its sound, so I can't hear any bass or the lyrics at all. The main reason I listen to music is because either the lyrics are meaningful to me, or because there is a great beat to dance to. And everyone knows that you cant listen to Skrillex if there is no bass to drop.

I can live without Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. (Even if it is extremely hard) But if I can't have the Internet to keep me company, then I like to go on walks, the library, shopping, and a variety of other things. My aunt lives way out in the Hawaiian Country, and so I honestly have nowhere to go, nothing to do, except watch old kid's movies or ride my aunt's old bike around the small neighborhood.

Now, I know I sound like a total complainer, (Maybe I am!) but you have to understand, in the last four days alone, I have seen:
Hop
Alvin and the Chipmunks
An Hour and a half of old Looney Toons (They never get old, though)
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl
and all three of the Lord of the Rings movies (Which are actually pretty awesome!)
So you can see that I really have had a media overload. I'm going to start training for a 5k, but even THAT can't occupy all of my time! Maybe I'll take up yoga...

Hugs and Honi-Honi~ TAAC

Who The Heck Knows What Is Happning Anymore

• To Do List

Today:

•  Finish packing for moving
• Bleach and dye pink streaks into my hair
• Start packing for Hawaii
• Do a WHOLE bunch of laundry

Tomorrow:

•  Finish packing for everything
• Convince my mother to let me go to best friend's little sister's eighth grade graduation so I can meet best friend's new boyfriend
• Have some "Family Time" probably Monopoly, because its my brother's turn to choose a game. 
• Try to see as many Friends as humanly possible
• Try not to cry

Friday

• Wake up early 
• Fly ALL day long
• Get to Hawaii in the afternoon
• Be prepared to hit the curveball the next two months are going to throw at me.

TAAC over and out!

Welcome!

Hello! If you are reading this, then you either have no life, or you have WAY too much time on your hands! My name is Keturah Fluno, and I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, I live in California on a sailboat with my mom, my dad, and my younger (and taller) brother. Our boat is a Hylas 47, and her name is Alias. I love writing. I hate essays, but I love creative writing! I am not actually a "writer" per say; its just something I enjoy doing. I like drawing, it's something that I've recently gotten into, so I'm still pretty rubbish. I spend WAY too much time on YouTube, but I don't make videos. I love singing, many people have told me that I am good at it. I used to do ballet, but I have recently gotten into ballroom dancing, its more fun and less dorky than it sounds. Maybe not as cool as Dancing With the Stars, because there is a strict dress code, but its still extremely enjoyable. I do a lot of musical theater too. I guess I could be called a "triple threat" but I am not exactly excellent, though some of my friends would disagree. I've decided to never listen to my friends ever again.(Not really, I love you guys) I'm a hopeless romantic. *Sigh* I love Doctor Who to the point of obsession, but I also like other shows like Sherlock, and a random assortment of Korean shows and murder mysteries. I don't really know what I'm going to do with my life, exactly, but since I'm going to be staying with my aunt most of my summer, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to try to do bi-weekly posts. See you later! TAAC Out!