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I do not like myself.
I just feel like I am ripping apart at the seams. I can never do anything right anymore, so why do I even try? I almost just don't care about anything at this point. I feel like I have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no one to ask for help. I am so disgusted with what I have become. It is harder to be real with one person sometimes than it is to be fake with everybody all the time.
I am so lonely.
I am so tired.
I am so done.
I am so tired of feeling stifled. I hate that I cannot be real with people anymore. Why is it all so complicated now that I have gotten older? I have things I do not want and want things I cannot have. Why do I feel so guilty, when all I am asking for is happiness? Do I not deserve it? I know that I do, but still I feel as if I do not. I thought that being real would mean freedom, but sometimes I fear the few people who actually know me. It has gotten to the point where I cannot even bring myself to like myself. I feel like nobody knows who I am anymore. People are always assuming. Always judging. I can leave the house feeling actually content with myself, and come home worthless again. Why do I seem to only like boys that I cannot have? Going through each day is as if I am being tortured. But only when I am with people. At home I can be happy, I can love, I can actually smile, and not the Barbie smile I am used to. But when I am with people, I am stifled, put in the box of other's comfort. If I were to change, I think that the people around me would not accept me.
I think that is my main problem. I crave love. I look at my friends in relationships, and I can only barely be happy for them. Mostly I just feel sad. Rejected. Jealous. Not envious, jealous. I need acceptance, yet I feel that if I were to show who I really am, I would lose the meager amount that I have.

I am cursed.